the bucket list

Two terminally ill men try to fulfill a wish list known as "The Bucket List", a series of things to see and do before they die. That's how the movie goes. And no matter how schmaltzy and schlocky it may be, I think it would be good to draw up one.

1. Sleep in a hammock in the open air one warm night
2. Watch Nika and Gela dance in their weddings with Mike
3. Fish on a weekend and catch a good size worthy to brag about
4. Stage an intimate solo piano concert for Michael Lopez
5. Walk leisurely around Bohol with Mama Precy
6. Organize an event for women
7. Print a book with my thoughts in it
8. See a fireflies performance in a mountain resort somewhere
9. Drive my red car at a speed of 100 kmh

It's not a tall order, and I hope I'll get to do some of these things before I kick the bucket.

when fathers leave.. and stay

Every January, for five years now, I plan to write my magnum opus. The article to beat all others that I've written ever since I've learned to string one sentence to another.

January is my Papa Boy's birthday month. And when he died some few years ago, I promised myself that I will write about him and create my first-born's memento on paper.

But somehow, Januarys have come and gone and I have always found myself at a lost on how to write about my father. How he was as a major influence in my life. How he loved me dearly but struggled on how to make it apparent in his own way. And how I fiercely loved him but did not understand him.

I think I got a little help this year. I received a short story in the email and it simply puts across something that I believe in fathers.

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of passage? His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone.

He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night, he is a man.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.

The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him. Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man!

Finally, after a horrific night, the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him.

He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.

I know the story speaks of our Father in heaven. But somehow it touches the right chord in me. It is a story that I need. To be assured that even when fathers leave because lung cancer gets them away from us .. still they stay because their love never ends.

My magnum opus is still to be written and I am certain I will get around to writing it. But as January comes to close this year, I am calmed. Happy birthday Papa.

who is reading our e-mail?

These days, we are often defined by our home number, our business number, our mobile number, our messenger address and of course - our email address. When we meet someone, chances are we will ask for his email within fifteen minutes of introduction. And when we get to know that he has none - isn't it a bummer? How could one live without an email address?

I keep two email addresses for two different purposes. I had to create one for my office work - and it has a trimmed inbox. The other one gets everything else - stories and confessions from friends, Pinoy jokes that come from other parts of the world, tips from membership-based self-help sites, even indecent proposals from Viagra marketing agencies. I created kudvbeenme@yahoo.com almost six years ago, the one which almost always ends up with a request for an explanation why I named it that way - but that's another story and it's not the point of this entry.

I use that second email address whenever I register to Internet sites that I find interesting. So just a few minutes ago, I found this on-line test. You know, the one where you click on your preferences and they summarize how good your life and health has been and then they tell you what you must do to stretch your life-years.

So I entered my email address and I thought of a sure-fire password that I know I would not forget. I meant it to be the code for my involvement in this test and to all the future activities I plan to do with this website so I can maximize membership. But then after giving my password, a message came on screen:

"The password you entered is not the correct one for this e-mail address. Please check both your e-mail address and your password. If your e-mail address is correct but you don't know your password, click here."

Weird. How could that website possibly know that the password I gave is not the correct one for my email address? I am not opening my emails through their website, I was just trying to get registered to their services! My email address they need because that's where they will send my test results, but not the password to that same email address - unless they plan to open my email for me too! The password I gave, again, is for the password I want to use for the website.

And here's where they offer help - that should I happen to know that my email address is correct but I do not know my password, they are guiding me to a new page - that will what? Tell me what my password is? The idea is scary that I left the site.

If a big number of people log in to a big number of websites like this - then imagine the countless free submission of email addresses and their access that's been happening! Some emails are cool, and some are funny. But some are way too personal and well, some do not need the extra pair of eyes that could come from website technicians somewhere around the globe who now holds a stack of papers with people's email addresses and their passwords.

Who is reading our email? That question must feel like the hovering shadow over your shoulder.

an ode to what we had

They say past times are always the best times
And maybe I agree.
We see them through misty romantic forgiving eyes
With breath suspended

For the thrill
The anticipation
The ecstasy
Of things now gone.

But like a kaleidoscope
They sometimes flash again.
Oh the bliss of times simpler and moments sweeter.
Those that we had!

new years bring upheavals. but

Mirror, mirror on the wall - something wonderful will happen to me today!

Affirming this every morning, I am happy to be an advocate of positive conditioning. As a matter of fact, I have been its pupil ever since I was in college - when I would use my bus ride to school as the time to pray for the day’s events and activities, and for a special intention of a random happy surprise from Our Lady. And I always had one every day!

I will let you into a little secret. Whenever I look into a mirror, I smile. This might seem queer, but I believe that if the person in the mirror is smiling back at me, it forebodes positive impact to my day and the general feeling for myself. It's like self-affirmation.

Thus every day I pass by the mirrors in the house - in the bathroom, in the dining room, and the welcome mirror in the living room - and I smile and confirm that I am where I was supposed to be, doing things that I can do efficiently and creatively, and that in good times and in bad, I am beloved by someone.. all the way.

Smile and believe!

another auld lang syne

Before I pop the cork and gobble a slice of food for the gods or cover my ears but look up to the midnight sky for the new year fireworks and revelry, here are my top five resolutions for the new year:

01. Get back into a smaller shape through a low carb diet, dancing sessions in the gym, weights sessions in the gym, boxing, jogging, badminton, yoga, mental power, whatever it takes.

02. Learn how to drive - even just an automatic car. And of course, park it, drive it in reverse, keep it in a safe distance from the silly driver at the front and at the back, and match its seat covers and throw pillows inside.

03. Finish ultimately my masters in business administration and take up a new course right after summer - professional education, literature, law, corporate governance, guitar, anything.

04. Start listening and focus. To the things my daughters say when they raise a fit on what clothes to wear, to everyone older than me when they have unsolicited advice to give, to credit card telemarketers when they remind me about deadlines, not new products.

05. Be kind to myself and take care of myself. Do not fall again for empty promises that goad you to work like a horse but ends up to nothing, false self-worth through overtimes that stretch into dawn, and interesting arguments or clever one liners. Handle my heart with care and acknowledge that the greatest love of all is found deep within me.

the five places a girl loves

Each girl has one of those sometimes. Bad-hair day. Your-giant-zit-defines-you day. You-are-not-getting-enough-loving day. Too-tired-to-make-a-difference day.

Aahh! From out of the doldrums, your energy has suddenly taken a sharp turn and it leads you somewhere. Might as well. The better to enjoy and rationalize your visits to these five places, my dear.

And today is the day!

THE BOUTIQUE.. Will anyone please tell me who brought these bubble dresses into the racks? Or the ones that start at your neck and falls down to nowhere? And whoever among the grownup girls believed that they'd look good on these unless they weigh 90 pounds? Well I've tried on a rich orange red and a dark black - is there any darker than black - and though the design and work in the crimson number was marvelous, I could not invest on something that can only be worn in December for the fear of being the walking stop sign throughout the year. Lesson from me: When in doubt, settle for black.

THE SALON.. Popular refuge and admittedly a major destination that you'd need to make a phone call and set an appointment to make sure that you are lined up and will be served by your own beauty technician. French tips for my nails are always a winner with me. Lifting my left leg for my foot spa, I wondered when did we ever turned a cleaning act into a social activity for other people to see? And I need my regular leg shave too! Lesson from them: When you prefer open-toed and strappy sandals instead of closed pumps, petroleum jelly works wonders for those peds.

THE SPA.. Armed with the key to my locker for the day, I stepped into the Havaianas flip flops courtesy of the center and slipped into nothing else. A five minute shower and a sauna as long as it takes the hour glass to be filled with sand. A time to indulge the back with a good deal of warmth, a sauna stay also kinda gives you the taste of hell it's creepy. But the Swedish massage was heaven. Aside from the physical relief, there must be a psychological effect from this thing. Well from someone who loves back rubs for a good night's sleep, I should know. Lesson from me: Wear that thong during a massage session. Makes the whole exercise easier.

THE SKIN CLINIC.. Dermatologists amaze me. Are they doctors or are they skin-deep beauty endorsers? Limiting my visits to the skin clinic to those stinging little shots whenever I have a giant pimple, this time I came for a facial. I think trust plays a major part here, you know. You are in this bed away from your great weapon the cellular phone and someone hiding her face behind a mask pokes and touches your face. But hey you asked for it! Lesson from them: No matter how busy the work schedule is, always take your 8-hour sleep every night.

THE HIP RESTAURANT.. All right, I admit that nothing beats the stand offering cotton candy of different flavors and colors - and that I had two servings today too despite my yet unfinished medication for tonsilitis. But it is only right to cap this day with a visit to the food strip and pick a shop that promises the most to my palate. As I am not an espresso girl, the choice was easily made. So spinach pizza and watermelon shake it was - with strawberry cheesecake on the side. Lesson from me: Shark's fin dumplings dipped in soy sauce before those wouldn't hurt a bit!

If there's a better way to end the old year and welcome the new, tell me and I'll sit up and listen.

greetings this holiday season

I choose these last few days of the year to reach you and send you my greetings for the holiday season. For at this time I am sure I shall not be disrupting your many days filled with a frenetic schedule and a kaleidoscope of colors.

2007 has been a real gift - full of surprises and opportunities for us to learn and grow and see beyond what we have… and to be what we wanted to be. Everything we touched and created brought in changes - new alliances, new harmonies, new definitions to things and events that we both worked for or just watched to happen. As we stand at the end of this year, we see ourselves and the world a little differently.

Indeed, we face an unfolding scene of changes. May 2008 provide us the chance for the metamorphosis we are looking for in our lives - if we so want it - and only if we claim it for ourselves.

I hope your Christmas was truly meaningful and your new year will be a fabulous one.

and then there was a star

The light piercing the darkness.

We have this total fascination with light. It's like, as darkness precedes it - nothing happens until there is light.

In my residential area, after a silent and tense power interruption, you can just hear the combined screams of relief and the released laughter when the lights would turn on at each of the houses.

Illumination, though how practical and functional it was intended to be, is even taken to the realm of the romantic and the dreamy. For who would pass off a chance to dine and watch the face of another by candlelight?

And that is why Christmas is such a great season. It's the chance to deck the rooms and even the front yard with those tiny lights. I don't know why, but those rows and rows of clear gold little beams really fascinate me. My green Christmas tree is adorned by eight hundred pieces of those sweet small pins glowing in the dim corner with all the tinsel and the red flowers.

The firecrackers have been ordered for December 31. To signal the end of the holidays and the start of the new year, there is almost a quasi-vow to welcome each year with the fantastic display of fire works in the midnight skies.

Yet all these are just a salute to that event that happened more than two thousand years ago. When a people were waiting for a Savior.. and when His coming was announced by a star. I believe that people know the meaning of all the ruckus that happens at Christmas time. That no matter how the righteous would condemn the commercialization and objectification of the Nativity - people really know that as one takes the effort in hanging that lantern, or untangling those strings of lights, he is making his statement for that star which shone for the Child King.

It started at the beginning. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good..

parenting on center stage

It was a long wait before the competition started. Long enough to plant the seeds of fear - not in the children that were wearing their numbers on their formal dresses - but in each of the parents who gathered to wait.

St. Mary's School had organized this search for singing talents and the whole grade school sent in their nominees. Nika was to sing among them and the whole family sat in front of the stage, ready to watch her.

Children were scattered all over the school court, whispering to each other their bets. And the contestants were all huddled at the back of the stage, running around, watching those on deck or just plain chatting.

But you got to hand it to the parents.

A boy walked in the stage. A mother scuffled in the first row of the seats. She was unrolling a cartolina paper and written upon it were the lyrics of the song that her son would sing. I thought she was at a loss what to do first - to take photos or to hold up that piece of paper. But the lights were out and the audience area was dimmed in order to give focus to the performer on stage. I wished with all my heart that the boy saw the words.. and prayed that he would remember all his lyrics so he would not have to refer to the copy.

A girl in full makeup was ready to sing. But her recorded musical accompaniment would not work. Then music suddenly played.. but it was obviously the wrong one because the young girl fidgeted. A man suddenly stood up from the front seats and went to the musical director's area to instruct the technician on the correct music. It was finally on and the man faced his daughter, giving her the thumbs up and putting his hands together all the while she was singing.

A little girl in full costume came. She was so much into the song, feeling it with the all the emotions and making her matching gestures. And she was gazing straight to just one person in the audience. I followed her eyes and saw her mother. The woman was alternately waving her arms and placing her hands to her chest. She was mouthing the words to the song for her daughter and those sitting near her were staring at her, short of being amazed.

I smiled. And worried on my own in silence. The contestants before Nika were good and I decided for us to leave after she will deliver her song. You know, spare her the disappointment when she would not make it. It was eight o'clock in the evening anyway and we were hungry too. I took a good look at the trophies. Then I promised to buy a bigger and better one and give it to Nika - for her courage to join this competition, if for nothing else.

She sang and I was so sure I was not breathing the whole time she did. Picture of pure naivety and inexperience, she just sang it simply like the way she would at home.. while touching her gown at moments, in the same manner she would lovingly stroke her plush toy giraffe when she goes to sleep.

After her song and as we were getting ready to leave for dinner, she asked me effortlessly: "But Mom, how can I get my trophy if we leave now?"

How to answer a question like that? I just smiled at her and gave her a big hug. Told her she was the best for me, but for her not to expect too much, and if she indeed wins, she could always get the trophy the next day she reports to school.

After a dinner of prime steak, and as I was getting ready for bed at home, a message came through my cellular phone. It was a note of congratulations from one of the teachers - Nika won second place!

Mike and I looked up the girl and saw that she was already sleeping. As this set of parents could finally rest for the night with a smile and a sigh.. and there's no more need for me to order that personal trophy, Nika moved and reached for her toy giraffe. The sleep of the innocent. And the winner.