in papa's memory

papa
it has been seven years..


seven years since we've propped that photo
of 3-year old annika and 2-year old angela
beside your bed so you can look at it from time to time..
you've reached for it before you went to that endless sleep..
you said "i love you" to the girls in the photo..

i was holding your hand
i was sitting down close to the floor..
at your lower left side with my head on the bed
while you slept.. breathing heavily into the tubes..

then you started to become peaceful..
.. slowly you drifted.. softly into silence..

your hand i was holding.. it used to carry me i know..
you used to say you'd let me stand up
when i was still an infant as you hold my two feet..
and i tried to keep my balance..

i guess my life is an endless battle for balance, papa.

when everyone in the room started to panic
i whispered "i love you"

they say the last sense to leave you
as you die is your sense of hearing.
i know you heard me..

your hand started to get cold..
and gingerly i removed the wedding ring that
you were still wearing.
i told mama that i wanted to keep it.
i still have it now..

i had been difficult for you..
during my college years
you used to write me letters
telling me what i did that upset you.

when i was younger than that,
i used to go to your wardrobe
and embraced your smell that comes from the shirts.

i have your nose, you know.
and i guess i have your complexion too.
these past years i guess i'm having your impatience..
and i don't mind becoming a little like you

i grew up trying to make you happy.
i have always wanted to make you proud.
tendencies of first-borns, i guess..
and that challenge of having your family name..

you were the man i wanted to please
when i was a little girl.
and now as a woman,
i'm married to the man i wanted to please the most..

it's not an easy road though,
not very different when i was a teenager
and i would see you watching my moves..

if you are still watching me
i hope i've become a better person..

i guess my life is an endless battle for balance, papa.

time blurs the edges of the moments of our lives..
but it also highlights those we want to keep in our memory..

i may still cry when i remember you..
but those tears are warm and comforting.

this was the sun that was waking up when mike and i
went to offer a holy mass for you this morning.
i guess it's a lovely way to remember you
as you had been my sun..

i love you always