those photographs

Since getting the Canon EOS 1000D camera, I've had some good times clicking away, capturing the photos in raw format and processing them in Photoshop. Usually I chose one good shot out of the dozen I would usually take.

Most of these picks end up in my Flickr photostream. But sometimes, a photo doesn't make it. Maybe because Mike doesn't like it when I show it to him. Maybe because the photo lacks something. I don't know what, but it just comes up lacking.

Into the Water

I guess we go through lives making pictures out of the moments of our every day. Some come in dazzling colors, others better if just in simple black and white. Some we highlight with a frame, others are just there to fill a space or add to the numbers in the whole collection.

But as the photographer, like in our lives, we make sure that we click away. And we give everything to the shots we take. And though there will be photos we will never be able to capture, it's a big beautiful thought that we always gave our best to the ones we took.

in papa's memory

papa
it has been seven years..


seven years since we've propped that photo
of 3-year old annika and 2-year old angela
beside your bed so you can look at it from time to time..
you've reached for it before you went to that endless sleep..
you said "i love you" to the girls in the photo..

i was holding your hand
i was sitting down close to the floor..
at your lower left side with my head on the bed
while you slept.. breathing heavily into the tubes..

then you started to become peaceful..
.. slowly you drifted.. softly into silence..

your hand i was holding.. it used to carry me i know..
you used to say you'd let me stand up
when i was still an infant as you hold my two feet..
and i tried to keep my balance..

i guess my life is an endless battle for balance, papa.

when everyone in the room started to panic
i whispered "i love you"

they say the last sense to leave you
as you die is your sense of hearing.
i know you heard me..

your hand started to get cold..
and gingerly i removed the wedding ring that
you were still wearing.
i told mama that i wanted to keep it.
i still have it now..

i had been difficult for you..
during my college years
you used to write me letters
telling me what i did that upset you.

when i was younger than that,
i used to go to your wardrobe
and embraced your smell that comes from the shirts.

i have your nose, you know.
and i guess i have your complexion too.
these past years i guess i'm having your impatience..
and i don't mind becoming a little like you

i grew up trying to make you happy.
i have always wanted to make you proud.
tendencies of first-borns, i guess..
and that challenge of having your family name..

you were the man i wanted to please
when i was a little girl.
and now as a woman,
i'm married to the man i wanted to please the most..

it's not an easy road though,
not very different when i was a teenager
and i would see you watching my moves..

if you are still watching me
i hope i've become a better person..

i guess my life is an endless battle for balance, papa.

time blurs the edges of the moments of our lives..
but it also highlights those we want to keep in our memory..

i may still cry when i remember you..
but those tears are warm and comforting.

this was the sun that was waking up when mike and i
went to offer a holy mass for you this morning.
i guess it's a lovely way to remember you
as you had been my sun..

i love you always

finding yourself

I am not having one of those attacks of existential angst, and I think I am much more aware now of who and where I am. But finding yourself is a little bit of fun too, especially when you search for yourself in the world wide web.

So I typed Heidi Grace Mendoza in various websites and I came up with these interesting results:

Yahoo - 225,000
The first two entries are for my LinkedIn data and the third one is this blog. They weren't talking about me anymore by the 21st entry though.

Google - 540,000
Surprisingly, the first on the list is the link to the photo of Annika Michelle which I posted on my Flickr account and as a part of the pool of The Portrait Group . The entries on the first page of the results are all related to the press releases regarding my work with the Cagayan de Oro Chamber of Commerce.

Flickr - 84 results matching Heidi and Grace and Mendoza
These showed the photos I posted in my photo stream.

My search returned zero results in the various social networks like Facebook or Friendster or Multiply or anything whatever resembling such a site as I am a proud unbeliever of those. But I was directed to my own accounts when I searched in Geni and Shelfari.

More importantly though, I think the place where I want to end up finding my name is Amazon dot com. So.. I guess I have to write-publish-sell that book!

Photo by This Girl

mutually exclusive at most

When I was still working for a government agency, I was going around the region and seeing all these wonderful places. I've been into these long drives. And since the journey is as important as the destination, I remember my favorite game on the road.

A simple question. Can be silly even. You choose one over the other. Simple as that. Or you can delve deeper into the answer, understand the reasons why that choice was made.

A good conversation starter. And the list can go on.

Run or fight?
Hot or cold?
Red Porsche or black stallion?
Up or down?

Baby pink or dark pink?
Half-full or half-empty?
Curse or praise?
Slow motion or fast forward?

Give or take?
Keep or discard?
Scream or whimper?
Chocolate or vanilla?

Love now or love forever?
Demand or enjoin?
Barbie or Bratz?
Wait or leave?

Photo by This Girl

this depth of field

My mobile phone buzzed. It's a note from Jennifer, an acquaintance from MBA school who never misses sending her daily inspirational messages.

"Morning is a sign of God's great love for us, let us be thankful that we are given a new day to share His love with special people in our hearts. Good morning."

I placed the gadget in my bag and smiled at the man driving beside me. We are on our way to Manolo Fortich.

Mike and I are on our third photo walk this very sunny morning and we have images in our minds.. photos of golden sunflowers, distinct clouds in azure skies, interesting plants, the Macajalar Bay as seen from the rise, and even a cow grazing in green fields.

Mike had called us a photography tandem. Hhmm, I like that. These walks are precious to me. I think sharing the love of photography with the person you love is simply picture-perfect.

I reached out to touch him. Mike smiled. It's a bright sun-shiny day.

Photo by Mike Mendoza
My 3rd photo walk photos here

down side up

If you pick up a book to read it but you plug in to your iPod to listen to an audio book, can you add an audio book to the list of the books you've read?

If someone has hurt you and you've made your effort to discuss and clear the issue, how much time does it take to heal? And must you make all the reaching out when you are the one aggrieved?

The rain falls too often these days. And though that means a little bit of work to clean up the veranda, that is good for the flowers. Rain either beats on your back, or refreshes your soul.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.*

* Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Photo by This Girl

it's alright to cry

I never thought I am capable of doing it again. Crying from your stomach.. when your breathing stops and you feel a long pause.. no scream, no sob, no sound.. just a long extended cry from the very depths of where you exist.. desperate, bringing with its nothingness and silence all the pain you feel and you want to throw away.. or think can be blotted out with this one painful cry.

Like when Papa died.

I wish there was no need to discover I am capable of it again.

But today I learned. That I am.

through my daughters' eyes

I was mad earlier today. Instead of using their bathroom, they were in mine. That was fine until they went out forty-five minutes later. All the rolled up clean towels were wet. My sink-side book was wet. Actually, everything was wet - wall cabinets, perfume bottles, everything.

At first instinct, I was mad like any other mom. But at second thought, I paused and laughed like anyone who harbors a pixie in her heart. They were playing of course. And that was fun and I must not deny them that.

I suddenly remembered my Bangkok trip a week ago. After a long time, I found red luscious "makopa" and I made sure I have a bag in the bar in my hotel room. It was a pleasing experience in Thailand munching on the beloved food of my youth while soaking in a warm bath in the tub.

Remembering a few things of that childhood.

Ganging up with other children in the street where we lived, climbing guava trees, staging shadow movies inside the cramped tool cabinet of the family living in the apartment above ours, stealing grapes from another neighbor, humming "Sing a Song" off-key while walking to my school, and running like mad when the geese would come out and chase me.

A water battle is not so bad. Most of all if it is done in one's mother's bathroom.

a bangkok photo diary

September 24 International Symposium on Heritage Tourism
with Sally, Mike and Melissa

September 24 Thailand Ministry of Tourism & Sports Welcome Dinner
with Girard


September 25 Bangkok Street Walks
and the tuktuk

September 25 Tourism Authority of Thailand Luncheon Cruise
along Chao Phraya River


September 26 Heritage Tourism Symposium Plenary Chairmanship
at the Prince Damrong Auditorium


September 26 Rose Garden Floating Market
during the field trip


September 27 7th Thailand Tourism Awards
at the Bangkok Convention Centre

September 27 Shopping and Dining
at the Bangkok Convention Centre